The Craters That Are The U.S. Political Landscape

Jump to Comments

Seeing the U.S. again up close for the longest period yours truly has in a decade, has been both a head spinner and an eye opener.

And not always in a good way.  As the debates over health care, the (Post) War on Terror, the economy and immigration intensify, it is increasingly clear this is not really anything approaching an actual (or even approximate) “two party” country. Americans like to think the U.S. is “50/50″ or thereabouts, and “Red” states v. “Blue” states, and so on, but the appearance on the scene (especially since 2006) of what have been termed “Blue Dog” Democrats (meaning Democrats representing conservative districts) well-demonstrates all is not so clear.

America is Democrats v. Republicans only in the most general of terms. More accurately, the U.S. is better described as closer to a “four-five party” country. It is merely “functioning” under a facade of the two “big tents.”

Those tents may be broken down, at least in part, along lines including the following groups. There are others, of course. Still, allowing for — sometimes — a generous dose of the “tongue-in-cheek,” happen to recognize anyone? If you do in whole, it is likely they require professional help.

In any event, let’s have some fun. Heaven knows, we could use it. Sadly, as a country we appear all too willing to laugh at others, but seem to have become hyper-sensitive and are losing the ability to laugh at ourselves:

Palinists:

• Dwell mostly in rural areas and outer suburbs in the South and the West.
• America is never wrong — just, on the very odd occasion, mistaken.
• Proudly vocal Christians; but Christians aren’t perfect, of course.
• And are Roman Catholics also Christians by the way?
• Mitt Romney definitely isn’t.
• Believe that what’s needed to get America back on track is someone to sound the horn and cause Jericho’s walls to collapse.  Sarah Palin could be the one.

• Barack Obama is a communist fascist aiming to destroy America; and if African-Americans weren’t being brainwashed by the liberal media, more of them would grasp that.
• They need an additional gun rack, because the existing one is full up.
• Believe taxation with representation justifies “Tea parties.”

• Illegal aliens are ruining this country, but Washington won’t do anything because the Federal government is beholden to a UN that is trying to ban the weapon that helped beat the Nazis.
• The liberals at CNN and the Southern Poverty Law Center think being willing to defend one’s constitutional rights makes one “extremist.”
• Knows someone who moved to Manhattan, and she hasn’t been heard from since.
• Same sex marriage is anathema to all that America stands for.
• There is a liberal plan in the making demanding within 20 years that at least bisexuality be demanded of all people.
• How can anyone rationally argue that abortion is not murder?
• “Ice Road Truckers” is just like where they work.
• Apt to have been in the military, and now to have sons and/or daughters in it.
• Usually graduated high school and perhaps went to college, at least for a while.
• May have been to London, but just as likely do not have a passport.
• Would never visit France because it is full of French people who hate Americans, and idolize communist fascists.

• Broadcast media:  Fox News Channel.  Rush Limbaugh.  Huckabee.  This new guy Glenn Beck cuts through the nonsense, too.  And is Ann Coulter ever wrong?
• Newspaper:  Are you kidding?  They are all controlled by liberals.
• Politician: James K. Polk, Ronald Reagan, Pat Buchanan, Sarah Palin, and Texas governor Rick Perry. (Jefferson Davis may have also been badly misunderstood.)
• Participatory sport:  Playing catch with the son.  Very occasionally basketball on the street hoop outside the house.  But prefer huntin’ and fishin’.  Men played football in school from kindergarten.  Women were cheerleaders, or in the marching band.
• Watched sport:  NASCAR, NFL and MLB.  (Men think) Soccer is for wimps.  What’s a Beckham?
• Food:  Denny’s Real Breakfast.  Deer.
• Drink:  Budweiser.  Diet Coke.
• Film:  (Men) “Patton.”  “Red Dawn.”  “Gettysburg.”  (Women) “Gone With The Wind.”

Do-Littles (“If it ain’t broke, don’t break it”):

• Found mostly in rural areas, and especially suburbs in commuter-belts of major cities.
• Passionate about American values being those against which all others are measured, and America as a force for good in the world.
• Don’t understand economics, but figure, then again, neither does anyone else.
• Believe John McCain would be president now if only he had chosen a veep-candidate whose main qualifications for the job went beyond beauty pageant entrant, hunter and mom of pregnant, unmarried 17 year old.
• Sarah Palin becoming a (liberal) media laughing stock has caused them to wish she would just go back to Alaska, stay there and hunt moose, and leave national politics to those with real experience, and who have made such a success of it to date.

• And no, now she has a book tour?! they cringe.

• Usually Christian and attend church regularly.
• Prefer many Christians to be a bit less publicly concerned as to whether Christianity is actually true.
• And can we avoid discussing abortion, please?
• May have served in the military.  But may not have.  Regardless, they watch a lot of the History Channel.
• Islam has its troublemakers, but they think also that it could ultimately be just as American as Christianity.
• Stunned that the Europe where they honeymooned is becoming Eurabia — which they know because a Mark Steyn can’t stop writing about how there are Muslims there who just keep having children.

• Broadcast media:  Fox News Channel.  Especially when Brit Hume makes an appearance.  Likes Bill O’Reilly, and also listen to Rush now and then.  Bloomberg Television.  HLN’s “Morning Express with Robin Meade.”  “Imus in the Morning”.  Has recently also discovered the internet, and finds “Pajamas Media” a web site never to be missed.
• Newspaper:  Wall Street Journal.  Washington Times.
• Politician:  George Washington.  Abraham Lincoln.  Theodore Roosevelt.  Winston Churchill.  Ronald Reagan.  Yulia Tymoshenko.
• Participatory sport:  You name it, they probably played it in high school and college.  They have the awards hanging over the fireplace to prove it, too.
• Watched sport:  (Men) NFL.  MLB.  Golf.  Only Europeans and South Americans understand soccer.  (Women)  Horse riding.  Skiing.
• Food:  Good, traditional American fare only, please.
• Drink:  Miller.  Coors Light.  Wine is acceptable at special occasions, but Europeans can be so pretentious about it.
• Film:  (Women) “Pride and Prejudice,” Colin Firth version.  “Forrest Gump.”  (Men) “Ben Hur.”  “The Longest Day.”  “Dirty Harry.” “Hunt For Red October” . . . even though Alec Baldwin is in it.  “Pearl Harbor” . . . because Kate Beckinsale is in it.

[One example of] “Independents” (“Ethnics”):

• Found all over the country, but particularly in northeastern and midwest suburbs, and on the West coast.
• Often Roman Catholics who attend church only now and then, and so leave large plate contributions whenever they do attend, to try to make up for when they mostly aren’t there.
• But what is it with priests and sex scandals?  Maybe there should be women and married priests?  But they know their grandmothers would have fainted at the thought.  (And should they even be thinking about this?  Won’t they go to Hell?)

• If Jewish, they attend synagogue similarly erratically, and for the holy days fake Hebrew prayers, because they can’t remember them.
• The JFK assassination defined their life, because of all the hope he brought to the world.
• Their parents and grandparents adored FDR.
• Iraq and Afghanistan seem a lot like Vietnam.
• Have taken a cruise, but prefer a winter getaway to Florida if they can swing it.
• They are disgusted by their own state’s ever increasing taxes, but would never live in a lower tax state because they hate country music and loathe cowboy conservatives (which those states have too much of, and too many of, respectively).
• They have a high school education from when a high school degree actually meant something.  Their kids have gone to college and maybe graduated.
• The adult child’s spouse’s family came to America from some foreign country where they speak Spanish.
• Broadcast media: Catch network news now and then.  A cable news channel gets turned on when something big is apparently happening.  Left alone, men would rather watch Sportscenter, or listen to WFAN.  Women prefer Oprah, Joy Behar, and the ladies of “The View”, who really tell it like it is.  Heaven save us from the Elizabeth Hasselbecks of this country.
• Newspaper:  New York Post.
• Participatory sport: (Men) Lawn mowing.  Barbecuing.  Motorcycling.  (Women) Taking the kids to soccer practice, or to dance classes, or to the doctor, and food shopping, and ironing and generally running all over the place after work while he sits around after work and does nothing is exercise enough, thank you very much.
• Watched sport: (Men) Football and baseball.  (Women) They pretend to like to watch football and baseball.
• When there’s nothing else on, men will watch hockey and basketball.  They also wish they could get NY Giants season tickets, but will settle for the Jets if they have no other choice.

• Food:  Eh, wudever.  As long as it is good.  And, remember, no rabbit food.
• Drink:  Coffee.  Italian red wine.  (With pasta.)
• Film:  (Men) “The Godfather” (I and II).  But not III, because that Coppola girl was an atrocious actress.  “My Cousin Vinny.”  (Women) “Sex And The City”.  “Out Of Africa.”  “Mamma Mia.”

Changeists:

• Found mostly in well-to-do northeastern suburbs, affluent parts of cities, on the West coast, in parts of Florida and other places in “the new South,” and in college towns nationwide.
• Barack Obama ushers in a new American era in which the world likes us.  It really likes us!
• Greatly admire Oprah Winfrey.
• Never miss “Brothers & Sisters,” because that TV family reminds them much of their own — especially the dead, heterosexual philandering father, gay uncle, gay brother, and control freak of a mother.

• They were born into Christian or Jewish families, and are furious over America’s right-wing war on Islam.
• They have also lately discovered a new spiritual path through Buddhism.
• Believe same-sex marriage is right to legalize because only Christians and Roman Catholics could irrationally oppose it: marriage is all about love, really.
• Yeh, and like being celibate is reasonable anyway?
• And how can anyone except Christian fundamentalists argue with a woman’s right to choose?
• What is it with some people and their ridiculous obsession with guns?  You know, in England, you just can’t own a gun…
• What is it with some people so hung up on a public option for health care?  You know, in England they have…
• They have several acquaintances whose children serve in the military.  (A 21 year old really is still a baby, isn’t he?)
• If only those Israelis would negotiate with the Arabs, there would be peace in the Middle East.  Maybe a “one-state” solution is the way to go?
• Will never forget having been to Paris when in college.

• Because it is a city so much more cultured and sublime, than dangerous and rough American cities.

• Recently visited Peru with the teen children.
• If from “the South,” they try to hide their southern accent when in New York, because they know that upon hearing it New Yorkers immediately will subtract 30 IQ points.  And, even worse, New Yorkers will assume that they are conservatives!
• They remember the fall of the Berlin Wall vividly, because they were in Amsterdam at the time.
• They fret over how climate change is by far the biggest long-term disaster facing the world.  Another mess that’s all that illiterate Bush’s fault.  To do their part to battle it, they buy Energy Star appliances, have considered solar and purchasing a Prius.  The kids have planted a tomato patch in the backyard.
• Went to law or graduate school.
• Broadcast media: Would watch EuroNews, but unfortunately the cable provider doesn’t carry it.  So they settle for CNN, mostly because it has Christiane Amanpour.  Enjoy MSNBC too.  (They went to the same school as Mika Brzezinski.) Follow Reuters on the net.  Jon Stewart is so sharp, isn’t he?  NPR’s “All Things Considered” is a well-rounded view of the world.
• Newspaper:  New York Times.  Especially on Sundays, because insight doesn’t get more insightful than Frank Rich’s.  Washington Post.
• Politician:  Thomas — “All men [he meant people] are created equal”, but they forgive his shortcomings — Jefferson.  Abraham Lincoln.  FDR.  JFK.  Nelson Mandela.  Ted Kennedy.  Al Gore.  Barack Obama.  (Women) Hillary Rodham Clinton.  (Her husband was a real cheat, and she displayed such class in the face of his playing around.)  (College age) Kids: Barack Obama.  Che Guevara T-shirt.
• Participatory sport:  Gym membership.  Jogging.  Skiing.  Tennis.  (Women) Yoga and Pilates.  (Some men) Yoga.  The kids, too.
• Watched sport:  Enjoy the MLB playoffs and the NFL playoffs.  Tennis Grand Slams, particularly Wimbledon and the French Open.  English Premier League soccer, and the LA Galaxy, if David Beckham is playing.  Eagerly look forward to the next Winter Olympics, and to the World Cup in South Africa.  (It is well-past time.)
• Food:  If only they could find a good Thai restaurant near where they live in this burger wasteland…
• Drink:  Evian.  Kendall Jackson wine, but only if Brouilly isn’t available.
• Film:  (Men): “Casablanca.”  “Syriana.”  “Casino Royale.”  (Women): “The American President.”  “Amelie.”  “The Holiday.”  Didn’t see “Slumdog Millionarie” but it surely deserved all its awards.  It is wonderful also that Kate Winslet finally got the Academy Award recognition she deserves.  (American actress?: they’re preference runs towards Gwyneth Paltrow, and, maybe, Maggie Gyllenhaal.  As for an American actor, that’s easy: George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon. Damon went to Harvard, too.)

Share The Wealthers:

• Found often in rural areas and outer suburbs, often living side by side with Palinists and Do-Littles.  The outsider usually cannot spot the ideological difference based on dress and demeanor alone, but it can be discerned easily enough after a brief, friendly verbal exchange.
• The 60s were the time to be alive.  It was when change really happened.

• America is generally badly wrong first, before it can be directed along the better path.
• Molly Ivins is missed, and Garrison Keillor speaks to the best of the American spirit.
• Although born into Christian households, they are no longer religious, and see Christians today as a scary Taliban-ish bunch owing to how they are also loons and think the Bible was written in English.
• Roman Catholics are Nazis, and so is their pope.
• Having heard Islam has been a victim of imperialist, Euro-centric aggression since 1095 C.E., they have recently bought a Quran to have a read.
• But back issues of The Nation are piling up, so haven’t gotten to it quite yet.  So, for now, that Quran is on top of the dusty “Rogue Nation” on the bookcase.
• However, from what they have heard of Islam from a friend who teaches at the local high school, they have wondered about starting a home mosque to annoy their dumb neighbors.
• If their state can’t be returned to the Native Americans, its name should at least be changed to an Indian one.
• The health care debate just shows how gullible those dim right-wing neighbors are, in being willing to be abused by insurance companies.
• Same-sex marriage ain’t no big deal.
• And how can anyone rationally argue with a woman’s right to choose unless they are Christian loons?
• Military service is all that’s open to poor kids from poor places where they can’t find anything else to do with their lives.
• Gloria Steinem should have a “reproductive choice” memorial on the Mall, to offset all of the white marble men in that city of white men memorials: Washington, D.C.
• Lately the Boss is even better than ever.

• Yeh, Springsteen may not know at any given gig whether he is in Ohio or in Michigan, but we all have that trouble increasingly at our age, don’t we?
• And like there’s any longer any real difference between the two in this increasingly mega-business, sc*ew the little guy, but bail out the banks, globalized economy?
• The national parks are indeed America’s best idea.
• Boycott Shell!
• Dropped out of college because those professors just didn’t understand what’s really wrong with this country.
• Broadcast media: MSNBC’s “Countdown with Keith Olbermann” and “The Rachel Maddow Show.”  Also, they try not to miss “Democracy Now!” and daily check “The Huffington Post.”
• Newspaper:  There isn’t an intelligent one obtainable where they are condemned to eek out a marginalized existence in the face of corporate greed and brutality.
• Politician:  Gandhi.  MLK.  RFK.  Fidel Castro.  Jesse Jackson.  Hugo Chavez.  Believe Warren Beatty missed his big chance.  They think Michael Moore should run for office.  Or at least Rev Jeremiah Wright should.  Barack Obama is proving to be a real conservative, warmongering disappointment.
• Participatory sport: They usually avoid them.  That’s because they might get hurt and owing to corporate American greed and right-wingers, they don’t have health insurance.
• Watched sport: Occasionally the NFL because it is on Sunday afternoons, and they can nap to it.  But the league hasn’t been the same since those b*stards at Fox first stole the NFC broadcasting rights.
• Food:  Try to eat sensibly to help the environment.  But now and then a good burger is hard to resist.  Just don’t tell the vegetarian girlfriend.
• Drink:  They don’t generally.  At least not too much.  And medical marijuana doesn’t cause a two day hangover.
• Film:  (Men) “All The President’s Men.”  “Reds.”  “Wag The Dog.”  “W.”  Anything by Michael Moore.  Robert Altman will never be equaled, though.  (Women) “Thelma and Louise.”

If you think about it, how this country exists at all will likely always defy ready comprehension.  It could all be an accident.  Or perhaps God does have something to do with it?  And, if so, there are those times you have to wonder if maybe He is playing a big joke on us. 

1 Comment

Filed under Business, Culture, History, Media, Politics, Religion, Sports